this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
