my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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