What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.