I'm an idiot
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance