i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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