Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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