It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
