Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
