Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Someone signed my nipple.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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