I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
