I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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