guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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