I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
