Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
