I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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