My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
