I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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