There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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