just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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