Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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