Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
