she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
