Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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