can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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