FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
