I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
