apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
