Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
