i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
