masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The air was thick with penises
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
