I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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