she woke up with a sticky ear
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You took a bar mat shot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
