I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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