I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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