I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
