dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
