Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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