i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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