You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
