I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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