I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
