Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
