Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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