She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
