she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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