Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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