i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
