My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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