I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
