If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
