someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
