Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
