I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
