Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm both gender and math confused
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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