The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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