everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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